I'm hungry. I just realized that. I think it's really odd to feel hunger. For me at least. The physical discomfort of hunger is so foreign to me. Thankfully. I'm so used to having food around. I don't really know what it's like to be hungry.

The first time I noticed this lack of hunger was when my college boyfriend broke up with me. I just stopped eating. I had no appetite. None. I dropped 8 lbs in 2 weeks. And while I had no urge to eat, I felt hungry. I was so depressed. God. How horrible a time that was. I can't fathom being that depressed ever again, although I don't like to say never. Who knows, right?

I've been in such a maliase lately. i never feel like cooking. I don't feel like shopping for food. I don't want to clean or pick up the house. I'm so over it. I don't know what I want anymore.

I've been stuffing everything down for so long.

Sometimes, a lot of the time, I wish I was free. No possessions, no boyfriend, no job. I want to be a wandering soul -- drifting the earth in search of new adventures.

I want to get away -- from everything. I want to run around naked and have unprotected sex and grow my hair long and unruly again.

I want to drink and do drugs and fuck and jump and play and laugh and flirt and cuss and sing.

I want to fly.

I want to scream.

I want to shout.

Every once in a while I get this really clear picture of my life and I cringe. No wonder I don't pay any attention.

Most of my waking hours are spent doing unsatisfactory work for idiotic clients.

I choose numbness over feeling. Over pain. Over discomfort. Over life. Over the truth.

I don't want to hurt anyone, so I hurt myself.

What a waste!

My true aries nature is just aching to burst out of the shackles I've confined it to. If I could, I would. But I'm so afraid of messing things up. So afraid.

So I do nothing.

Subsistence living.

I want to heed my passion. I want to stop ignoring my desires.

I'm hungry. Not only for food, but for life.

I'm starved for life.